No more apologies, I’d like to say that I was very busy, or that I broke my typing arm(…ehm..fingers) but the truth is far more typical. My name is Yami and I suck at time management. I’ve sometimes have brilliant blog post ideas, but my powers of procrastination keep them from being written We can only hope and pray that I change.
Now unto the tragedy that is my life experience. May it amuse and guide you. Show of hands, who here has flown aero contractors? If your hand is up, then I’m willing to bet that you have at least the very least sworn at them, at the most sworn off them or if you are like me done both only to find yourself inline to board yet another aero flight.
Their list of crimes are extensive, in my personal experience:
1. They have faked flights: Here’s the con, when two consecutive flights are not full, the powers that be cancel the first one and merge it with the consecutive flight. Thus causing a huge delay for the people who paid for the earlier flight and dooming anyone who planned to seek into work in the nick of time. By advertising the availability of more flights, they sucker more people into buying their tickets. If you must be aerodynamic take the first flight of the day which is the least likely to be delayed or better yet walk.
2. They are constantly late: If you asked a room of frequent flyers to raise their hands if they had ever been on time with aero, I’m pretty sure they would find other uses for the hands.
3. They duct tape seats: No offence to the makers of such an outstanding product as duct tape, But when I walk unto a plane, I do not want to see chairs held together by duct tape, unless it was part of the original seat design. All I’m thinking after I see that is, “if they don’t know how to replace a chair, what else?”
4. They charged me directly for airport charges, I mean who does that? NOBODY, THAT’S WHO!
5. They gave me food poisoning: In my ignorant youth (Last year) I was frivolous, I actually bought airplane food. Not only did I waste my money, I also proceeded to waste the next two days in the hospital. Everyone thinks food poisoning is glamorous vomiting with a hot male nurse holding back your braids (yak) These rumors are all true… that is if you survive the excruciating pain, lack of glamour and the fact that the hawt male nurse is actually a masculine matron with a moustache.
6. They kicked a woman off the plane for being fat, they said she looked pregnant which she didn’t. While I respect their decision to follow policy, I thought that it was in very bad taste to let her board before making accusations. They proceeded to argue with her for up to 30 minutes, then when she deplaned (It’s a real word) they spent another half hour rummaging for her luggage.
7. Did I mention that they are sexist: In their defense, I’ve experienced some level of sexism on almost every Nigerian flight I’ve ever flown in It ranges from allowing men have overweight carryons, to attending to the needs of males before females. Anyway, the last time I dropped my sister off; aero attempted to make an otherwise painful experience into a figurative kick in the face.
Her flight was cancelled without notice, the next flight was in four hours (minimum of eight hours in aero time) They wanted to put her on the 7pm flight of the following day. Naturally she decided to get a refund in order try her luck with another airlines but aero personnel managed to turn that into a frustrating two hour production. Now the argument can be made that my sister and I are short and therefore easily over looked but the truth lies less with our height (we are not that short) and more with our gender. Scores of men cut the line in order to get their refunds or buy tickets and our attempt to complain or copy these men was met with almost aggressive disdain and verbal rebuke.
Did I mention she was a woman, why does it feel worse when the sexist is female? Shouldn’t we be on the same side? Nigeria’s sexist propaganda is so diehard and so effectively administered in childhood that most people are unaware of them. But that’s a blog post for another day.
Anyway, as I write this, I am planning another trip and yes aero will be considered. What can I say; they are often the only flight within my price range. I hate and love them for that.
Happy New year twice over, (counting the Chinese New year) and welcome to the end. January is winding down and so far my resolution to blog more is not looking to good and so to save face here I am.
Somewhere in the middle of the fuel subsidy debacle I started to think that maybe the Aztecs were onto something, when they called 2012 the end of the world. With that in mind all the things that needed doing started to seem needless.
In the spirit of full disclosure, let me admit that the uprising gave me a little pleasure. On one hand yeah, Nigerian people with backbones, but that was just a secondary thought. First thought: Can you imagine all those smug American heroes walking around looking for a disaster to avert, only to be disappointed by the fact that they are in the wrong country. I blame Hollywood. Seriously, who else told us that some know-it-all, badass American would save us? Hello Indiana Jones/Sam Witwicky/Jason Bourne/Jack Bauer/Chuck Norris… all part of the Hollywood propaganda machine.
I was also a bit disappointed to note that things were not leaning towards a zombie apocalypse (it’s a real thing) because that would mean all my planning would go to waste, but still it’s early days. Who knows maybe 2012 is lulling us into a false sense of security before springing the undead on us.
If Hollywood had taught us anything it’s thatskynet will probably pass over Nigeria because of our general lack of internet access and yahoo-yahoo boys. We are also a no go for aliens. If you doubt me, please reference a film where destruction of any part of Africa occurs (No Kajola does not count as a film). Sure in Independence Day the aliens hover over the pyramids in Egypt but not much fighting or destruction actually occurs in Africa. Why? Because Nigerians eat aliens #OMgUberFacts!
Anyway, throughout the one week of strike, I managed to go to work twice, forget about finding a honey to fulfill my valentine’s day gift needs and waste money on a huge arsenal of food (which is why I am now fat, which is totally against rule #1).
When the dust settled it dawned on me that maybe the world had ended and this was hell. But NTA says it’s not and that’s all the proof anyone needs.
First, you must get it into your head that all instructions issued on entering an airport are mere suggestions to be acknowledged at your discretion or translation.
Secondly be aware at every moment of your flight that you are in a winner takes ALL, race against time, no holds barred fight against every other person on the flight. You must be the first person to switch on their phone when that plane touches down. Extra points if you can do that and unbuckle your seatbelt and If your phone happens to ring before your flight comes to a complete stop (thus proving yourself to be the most important person onboard as someone on ground has been dying to talk to you throughout the flight) Then you have achieved something greater than gathering enough miles for a free round the world ticket, while being in the miles high club combined. The shame of not being the first, will never ever you.
Any airline that dares to travel through Nigerian airspace must be remotely familiar with the concept of Nigerian time. If they are not TEACH them. Do so by checking in and then disappearing until they announce your name over the intercom. If they already subscribe to Nigerian time, then persist in being mildly annoying by showing at boarding time.
Now, boarding is an exercise in cunning. Take the example of a lady I once flew with. When her and her twin linebacker sized companions were prevented from boarding the plane she asked, “Did you not just call for women and children?” (true story)
When it comes to luggage always carry a mismatched set identifiable by the matching tape that is holding them together. Armed with this baggage every Nigerian knows to ALWAYS try and push the boundaries of baggage limitations. I have witnessed the sleaziest, dirtiest, creepiest looking man trying to flirt his way out of a surplus charge and yes I was rooting for him because the quickest way to win this fight is to point to him as he shuffled away and say, “but you just did the same for him and he is not half as pretty as me” (cue batting lashes).
As for the emotional baggage that is ‘the walk of shame’ to the backseat. Make no mistake the aisle you walk down is a runway. The further back you are the better dressed you have to be. How else will people be oppressed if you don’t oppress them? I once saw a lady emerge in Lagos in a fur coat. (Yes, animals were hurt in the making of her entrance)
Turbulence is a Nigerian secret code declaring an airplane wide prayer service. Nigerians are awarded bonus points for loudness, diverse prayer vocabulary and heinous confessions.
Use every instrument in arsenal to get your own way. I once saw an old lady go into first class and sit down.
Stewardess:Excuse me ma’am but I’ll have to ask you to return to your seat. Old lady faking dementia:I don’t remember were my seat is and I’m so tired. (huge sigh cut to everyone on the plane giving the hostess the stink eye…winning!)
Know this, at heart at all stewardessesair hostesses… Flight attendants secretly enjoy being tortured by nobodies. It was this job or teaches at a Nigerian public school. So go ahead, snap your fingers, and blatantly refuse to move up one inch to the upright position. If he or she suffers from general stupidity resort to the ever popular, “Do you know who I am?” because being an Ahole has been proven to be true secret to success.
God forbid you ever get asked to switch seats in order to allow family or friends to seat together. What is the world coming too when people can sit with whoever they want too on a plane. That is madness (not in the Spartan sense) so unless the airline offers you an upgraded ticket the answer is always no to switching so that all can suffer, equally.
You must be the first person on or off the plane even if you a have to trample old ladies and little children to do so. It is a fact of the universe that first luggage off the conveyor belt, always belongs to the first person to get off the plane #omgFacts. This does not apply in Enugu were they do not believe in conveyor belts but instead roll your bags out in on a tractor and then throw them at you. (True story)
Finally, always act generally suspicious while carrying your Nigerian passport. This will get you “randomly” selected. Do this and you can fly like an actual Nigeria but whatever you do, don’t actually be this guy!
I know from personal experience that deciding on what school to go is hard. When in doubt choose the school that offers both. No matter how unrelated they are. Thats the Nigerian way.
When I moved to Abuja last year, I knew few people and so in the name of making friends I took a chance on an acquaintance and I have been too traumatized since then to tell the story that lead to the question. Is Nollywood* reason enough to end a friendship?
Hell to the YES! Anyone who takes you to see a Nigerian film this bad is not a friend but a fiend. End of story. This “movie” and I use the word lightly claimed to be the next step in Nigerian innovation. Some unholy being dared to use the words “Nigerian Inception” (………………………………………………………………………………….that is the sound of millions of gag reflexes failing)
A step back is still a step, this was more like a big old, rocket-fueled powered leap backwards. Some have called Kajola trailblazing, as a result I’m now convinced that trailblazing refers to setting yourself on fire and running away. I dare anyone who survived the screening of this movie to disagree. This Nigerian 130 million Naira CGI film has managed to set the standard for #epicfails everywhere.
The movie was based in the worse case scenario of Nigeria’s future, populated by idiots and graphics so bad they must have been generated by the future PHCN (This kind of failure is their legacy). The heros carried light-sabers that lacked the decency to light up or make a sound… basically they were duct tapesabers and were used in an epic battle of who looked dumber. This movie also gave birth to quiet possibly the biggest plot hole in the history of plot holes. I sometimes think I fell asleep and the resulting nightmare is my memory of Kajola (Sadly for the producers of this hot mess, my dream and nightmare graphics have been known to kick ass and astound everyone within a ten mile radius. This did not happen therefore, it was not off my own concoction.
Asking for my time back is too little, I want interest! Interest for the time spent planning to go to the movie, as well as the phone credit used, the taxi fare and definitely the time spent watching the movie and a little something something for my pain and suffering, not to mention my current blogging efforts. The best solution would be to get the doctor to take me back in the TARDIS to undo this but good luck finding him and convincing him to cross established time lines.
In closing, You know who you are and if you haven’t guessed it, this is a termination of our friendship…wishing you the best, Hugs and Kisses, But remember to stay the heck away from me.
Also worth hating are the sponsors of this travesty, I hope you are all ashamed of yourselves.
It’s been a while since I posted so I’ll try to make this quick. Everyone who knows me knows that I’ve got my heart set on the zombie apocalypse. However if I were a betting girl, my money would be on the robot apocalypse.
Case in point. A couple of parents recently partitioned the board of their kids’ school to allow said kids to have blackberries (phone not fruit). The school had tried to ban the use of blackberries by primary school students on school grounds. For obvious reasons the school wanted to avoid the potential cheating and the all round distraction that the phones would cause. The parents claimed that their children would be unable to receive pings from their drivers at pickup time…#truestory!
Is it just me or is the child factory pumping out dumber models? Let me just say that back in my day, we used a little something called eyes, topped with a little common sense. But hey, I guess it’s unreasonable to expect so much from primary school children who are capable of using BBs.
I am not saying we have a national technology dependency. No, I am saying that when our robot overlords give us the option of new tech or oxygen, many will pick the tech. It is a well established fact that Nigerians operate on a frequency all our own. We will fight for the craziest little things. Yet we fail to realise that we have the right to something as simple and basic as electricity. Why is that? Why indeed.
I got all existential and epiphanied while my blackberry slept with the fishes last month. Well mostly it was in a deep coma state for over a week. Somewhere between the shivers and the phantom phone dialing, I rebooted my actual brain and figured out how to use it…Again. I thought about how people got along before cell phones (that have caller ID, internet, GPS, aps, notepad, alarms, cameras, mp3 plays etc.) which it pains me to admit is totally in my lifetime. People need to realize that 1.) It is possible to get by and 2.) It isn’t all that difficult.
I jotted down my musing, please learn them because the life you save may be yours.
How to survive sans cell phone
1.) Learn phone numbers [at least one] I didn’t know at least one person’s number by heart, which could have been a real problem if I was broke, lost and not among friends when my phone went awol.
2.) Appointments can be written down on paper (Shocker I know)
3.) Alarm clocks are just as good as cell phones and probably more effective at getting people up
4.) Little notes can also be written on paper.
All this paper might put a dent in our Nigerian policy to become a paperless society…Did you ask, ‘what policy?’… It’s only a matter of time before the government’s attempts at development take a turn for the coolness that is ‘Reduce, Reuse, Recycle’ #JustSaying.
5.) This is absolutely important. Before the Grey’s-anatomy-season-finally-like events that lead to the Hail Mary resurrection of my phone (Which BTW was epic!). I trusted the first guy with a sign that says ‘blackberry repair’ and wasted precious hours on a fool. Needless to say he took me for a ride
Not the good kind!
He took me for my money
“Your trackball was already broken when you brought it here”
and he lost me my snitches
I’m a journalist and snitches are my lifeblood. All my contacts gone.
6.) Personally this experience taught me that BBs have extremely short battery lives and that TV cannot fill my BB void…maybe I should look into making human friends.
If you have learnt anything from this post I suggest you backup your cell phones THIS INSTANT and occasional shutdown and rely on yourself. When the bots take over only the capable few will survive long enough to say… ALL HAIL OUR ROBOT OVERLORDS!
I know from personal experience that deciding on what school to go is hard. When in doubt choose the school that offers both. No matter how unrelated they are. Thats the Nigerian way.
