The anarchists guide to Naija weddings

    A.k.a: The Dos , Don’ts and dare to be different guide

    Dos
    1. Go to the church, it’s always incredible how an empty church translates into an overflowing hall.
    2. There is no shame in catching the bouquet (even if you are a married guy*)
    3. Dance… Shamelessly (and with old people and little children)
    4. Worth friending (read ‘bribing’)are the people serving drinks and food, it’s your fast track to all the good stuff.
    5. Bring your own camera (up this by doing number 15)
    6. Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself… but on your own terms! I suggest violently contrasting with the Dress code.(When in doubt refer to number 13)
      Don’t

    7. Don’t be stupid, even if you are an anarchist arrive on time and get a good seat at the reception. Bad seats can make or break an event! FACT.
    8. Don’t follow other Wedding crashers anywhere: While it worked out in a cute and amusing way for Rachael McAdams, the majority of you will turn out to be the girls in the beginning sequence of the movie, so use your sense.
    9. It’s not about you…IT IS NEVER ABOUT YOU, so back off the bride and stop trying to make her remember your name.
    10. Do not leave your stuff unsupervised, some wedding crashers are pickpockets (Yes, even in church)

      Dare to be different

    11. Spray people with monopoly money and make them work for it!
    12. Take something edible when you sneak up to see the bride and groom on their altar of awkwardness. People forget that they aren’t cake ornaments
    13. You do not have to buy the aso ebi**, especially if you fall into the category of people who have just left college and whose friends all seem to be getting married (ask yourself, “do I really need another blue woodin?”) this is especially true if you are broke and not in the wedding party.

    14. Bring your own ice. Nigeria is Hot!
    15. Take outrageous pictures for facebook and twitter posterity.
    16. Take only one thing that you intend to use from the souvenir package. I doubt you really need a new tray/food flask/picture frame/mug…. let the vultures squabble over the rest or refer to number 18.
    17. Make friends with the people who sit at your table, even if you clearly told them that the seat was reserved.
    18. Divide table into platoons and send them out on missions to score things*** wager leftover souvenirs (winning platoon takes all)

    *say it’s for your wife who you’d gladly marry again! Then die from embarrassment for being so cheesy.
    **traditional material sold by the wedding party to guest for uniformity (it also helps identify crashers because those do not wear it tend to stay within the color scheme)
    ***drinks from other tables, the microphone (losing platoon must make speech), bouquet from bride b4 the toss, figurines from the cake, extra points if they can be repositioned e.t.c.

5 points if taken be4 the toss, only one point if taken after

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6 thoughts on “The anarchists guide to Naija weddings

    • Sure, when it suits my fancy. Now all I need is to get people to read my work. My big project is my graphic novel but my illustrator up and got a good job and my procastination kicked in.

  1. Hmmm…i can do something about the reading…but ur gonna have to do something about that Proscastination Dude,kick back at it, when he’s out then id like run a couple of ideas by u.
    Graphic Novel? What Genre?

  2. I’m baaaaaaack, I swear your block is kinda addictive, I find myself re-reading them. Anyways, since this post was like 15 years ago, do you want to update it? (Given that you’ve been in Naij for a while now and I bet you’ve attend 50x more weddings). Unlike me I can count on both hands how many weddings I’ve attended in my 22 years of ballin. We must pray against the spirit of procrastination sis. Peace.

    • Not leading you on, I’m honestly working on a wedding post. Aiming for the end of this week or early next weak. Thanks for the support

      • So I searched yamika on IG and 1001 results came back…I guess you were strong enough to stay away from the IG world. *claps for u* how is the journalism world treating ya?

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