The heathen in me

…has something to say, so before you sharpen your pitchforks and assemble your angry mob, THINK! “Where can I get a pitchfork in Nigeria?” If you are thinking Game, you may be out of luck. In order to protect myself, I may or may not have preemptively checked their inventory. But just so you know, I go to church, willingly and I’m secure in my relationship with God.

    Here is the thing. Church is not always friendly. There I said it (holds a defensive stance). I sometimes find church folk scary and wonder, if what they are drinking is spiritual or cool aid. When my mind is idle (or maybe when its alert) I can see many troubling things in the Nigerian church system.

    Surprisingly, it doesn’t really bother me when many preachers get treated like rock stars. It takes real (sometimes fake) spiritual investment and sacrifice to become revered and that is no easy task or joking matter. However, I am driven to misbehavior every time someone insists that the whole congregation rises up to clap for the pastor. Or that the previously given applause wasn’t good enough for a man of God. This always coincides with the sermon about not putting men on pedestals. Can I tell you a secret… sometimes I do not mind standing, but the call to rise never fails to make me weak in the knees.
    In Nigeria, many pastors are notoriously unable to keep time. Between the ‘amens and ‘hallelujahs’ you start to notice that the sermon is a whole hour overtime. On the one hand, if the Holy Spirit is on a roll, you’d better get out of his way or get knocked over. The flipside to that is discipline. Pastors should have enough discipline to write a sermon that is effective within the restrains of time. Some churches try and pull a get-out-of-time-limit-jail move by not having a set closing time on their program. They aren’t fooling anyone.

    The bible says that ‘the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom’, but what is its stand on the fear of ushers. Is there a special school were ushers go to get trained by the SS? The moment you shut your eyes or attempt to sneak out, they pop out like Kurt Wagner and threaten you with the holy fire in their eyes. They also wear white gloves, which to me is code for: we won’t leave any fingerprints behind.
    Then there is the whole language thing, which I am guilty of doing in the presence of newcomers. Why does each church seem to have its own language or dialect? It is made up of slangs and phrases known exclusively to its members. And everyone seems to have the preset, grunt, squeal, yell, response that seems to only alienate outsiders. Someone will ask if you know the Nazarene or ‘see the light’. Cut to you doing a frantic google search on your blackberry (who the heck says Nazarene anymore?) or worse an agitated phone call to PHCN to ask about the light, all because you lack a preprogrammed response.
    Bono said, “I often wonder if religion is the enemy of God. It’s almost like religion is what happens when the Spirit has left the building”. I think he might have a point, does that make me a heathen? (Returns to defensive stance. Cue the angry mob)


5 thoughts on “The heathen in me

  1. Absolutely spot on holmes

    Totally agree with you on issue of gathering of praise and lip-service for men of the cloth but yet people tend to forget that the reason the come to worship every Sunday, is to commune with their heavenly Father. Its amazing at times howmany psychophants are present within the Church Building( Pls note I did not say the Church- Hence I insult the Body of God)

    On the issue of time, even our Father keeps to time, Jesus rose on the third day not the fifth or tenth, or even 10mins after dinner at Picolo Mondo . . . .=))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º‎​=))…

    I happen to have found away around that though by going for the evening masses( Quiet, Peaceful, Timely and most importantly, u can do exactly what you came to church to do . . . .PRAY)
    And d best part u can totally avoid the US Marine trained Ushers that are used during the morning service.

    All in all a very satisfying read . . .maybe cuz I’m a bit of a “Cool” Christian . . . .so don’t blame me if I’m a little biased.

    Was a little disappointed u didn’t delve into Northern Mob Fever dialogue . . .but impressed by the twist . . .

    Keep it up dear


    • Is ‘cool christian’ the new heathen? can ‘Northern Mob Fever dialogue’ as you call it, be covered in just one blog? Are a special task force of ushers on their way to get me right now? I don’t know, I don’t know and I hope not! but you’ve given me more to think about and showed me that I’m not the only one to think this way.

  2. Very interesting, I advice y’all to look into Myles Munroe’s books and tapes on “Rediscovering the Kingdom”. You may find you are not a heathen at all.

    • I just assumed that the ‘Like’ button comes standard. I’ll have to look into that. its also good to know that come sunday morning, i’m not the only bad person sitting out in the pews waiting to get struck down by lightening.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s