- First, you must get it into your head that all instructions issued on entering an airport are mere suggestions to be acknowledged at your discretion or translation.
Secondly be aware at every moment of your flight that you are in a winner takes ALL, race against time, no holds barred fight against every other person on the flight. You must be the first person to switch on their phone when that plane touches down. Extra points if you can do that and unbuckle your seatbelt and If your phone happens to ring before your flight comes to a complete stop (thus proving yourself to be the most important person onboard as someone on ground has been dying to talk to you throughout the flight) Then you have achieved something greater than gathering enough miles for a free round the world ticket, while being in the miles high club combined. The shame of not being the first, will never ever you.
- Any airline that dares to travel through Nigerian airspace must be remotely familiar with the concept of Nigerian time. If they are not TEACH them. Do so by checking in and then disappearing until they announce your name over the intercom. If they already subscribe to Nigerian time, then persist in being mildly annoying by showing at boarding time.
Now, boarding is an exercise in cunning. Take the example of a lady I once flew with. When her and her twin linebacker sized companions were prevented from boarding the plane she asked, “Did you not just call for women and children?” (true story)
- When it comes to luggage always carry a mismatched set identifiable by the matching tape that is holding them together. Armed with this baggage every Nigerian knows to ALWAYS try and push the boundaries of baggage limitations. I have witnessed the sleaziest, dirtiest, creepiest looking man trying to flirt his way out of a surplus charge and yes I was rooting for him because the quickest way to win this fight is to point to him as he shuffled away and say, “but you just did the same for him and he is not half as pretty as me” (cue batting lashes).
As for the emotional baggage that is ‘the walk of shame’ to the backseat. Make no mistake the aisle you walk down is a runway. The further back you are the better dressed you have to be. How else will people be oppressed if you don’t oppress them? I once saw a lady emerge in Lagos in a fur coat. (Yes, animals were hurt in the making of her entrance)
- Turbulence is a Nigerian secret code declaring an airplane wide prayer service. Nigerians are awarded bonus points for loudness, diverse prayer vocabulary and heinous confessions.
Use every instrument in arsenal to get your own way. I once saw an old lady go into first class and sit down.
Stewardess: Excuse me ma’am but I’ll have to ask you to return to your seat.
Old lady faking dementia: I don’t remember were my seat is and I’m so tired. (huge sigh cut to everyone on the plane giving the hostess the stink eye…winning!)
- Know this, at heart at all
God forbid you ever get asked to switch seats in order to allow family or friends to seat together. What is the world coming too when people can sit with whoever they want too on a plane. That is madness (not in the Spartan sense) so unless the airline offers you an upgraded ticket the answer is always no to switching so that all can suffer, equally.
- You must be the first person on or off the plane even if you a have to trample old ladies and little children to do so. It is a fact of the universe that first luggage off the conveyor belt, always belongs to the first person to get off the plane #omgFacts. This does not apply in Enugu were they do not believe in conveyor belts but instead roll your bags out in on a tractor and then throw them at you. (True story)
- Finally, always act generally suspicious while carrying your Nigerian passport. This will get you “randomly” selected. Do this and you can fly like an actual Nigeria but whatever you do, don’t actually be this guy!