No more apologies

    I really don’t like apologies, this is my blog and if it is any reflection of me, readers should realize two things The author of this blog is fickle and thinks herself witty. I can’t really argue with perceived truth. I am fickle and I DO think to myself (more often than I suspect is normal) “WOW, I was kinda clever back there, wasn’t I”?
    If it helps when I promised to blog, I meant it. It was truth until I turned out to be a liar. Some truth from a liar, “Lying was not my intention, it’s just where I wound up.” I did…DO feel bad about it. (But only when I think about it, other times I’m hunky-dory) It might interest you to know, that while I was not blogging I was totally blogging.
    I abandoned my first love (WORDS), for an ancient mistress FOOD and for the latter part of 2013 I consorted with aprons and spatulas and fire. I know the world does not really need another food blog but honestly a food blog can be more rewarding. Even if I get no hits or comments on my page, I still get the pleasure of eating the food. In the words of George Bernard Shaw, “there is no love more sincere than the love of food.”
    Thankfully, I have an awesome sister. She reminded me how much I like words and asked why I couldn’t do both? She is crazy for suggesting it and I am crazier for thinking I can do it.
    So no promises this time, I’ll go on cooking but I’ll also look around for anything worth commenting on. If I find good, If not “C’est la vie”, “That’s life.”

    Right now I’ve resumed my love/hate relationship with Lagos. I missed it when I was away but now that I’m back …

we hates it

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Kicking my own arse

    Do you have a googleganger? Similar to a doppleganger, a googleganger is another individual who has the same name as you and as a result their records and/or internet history, pictures and stories always come up, mixed in with yours whenever you Google yourself.
    Aside from receiving absolute proof that someone in this world is walking around answering to your same, there is also the possibility that (GASP!) said other you has a more awesome life than you you.

inconceivable

    There are a few things that can get you into this predicament
    1. When your parent/grandparent is your ganger. If you go by ‘Junior’ or ‘The Third,’ Google is probably not your biggest problem. I suggest you muddy the lines between you and your forbearer, especially if you look exactly like them. The Google machine will then meld you into one person. If that fails claim reincarnation. So their achievements are your achievements from a former life. Own it and hone your argument because people will try and punch holes into this sieve of an argument.
    2. Coincidence… I think not, but have no proof to the contrary.
    3. When you are named after them, things can go, one of two ways. If it is a kindly aunt who can barely use her pure water phone, Awesome! Continue to kick her Google butt. As long as she goes on to do unremarkable newsworthy things, like not inspiring an award winning book that gets turned into movie with a spinoff TV series, thus causing her to tour the world giving inspirational speeches, then you are safe. However if you are named after a celebrity, who shares your family last name, you are screwed. The only day you will top them in a google search would be on the one occasion when you are convicted of murdering your famous namesake.
    A middle name helps provided you don’t also share your middle name and are hopefully not a three named serial killer.
    Let me just take this time out for a Public Servie Announcement. My fellow country men and women, when you introduce yourself, please do not say “my names are,” because although your names are many (I have four names, five nicknames, an oriki and an oriki song. . . I’m not entirely sure what the song is about), regardless, the combination of names is singular and hopefully unique to you. The correct introduction is, “My name is…” and to the next dumb wiseass who invariably tries to tell me how wrong I am, know this:
    1. I’m never wrong.
    2. Whenever you introduce yourself by saying “my names are” I proceed to disregard what any of the yous speaking is saying.
    3. At the end of the day, it does not matter who your googleganger is, all that matters is that when they Google themselves they are completely assaulted by the awesomeness that is you.
    To further explain my point about the uniqueness of names, I once tried to reference how in magic, things have true names like in the Dresden files, but the only thing that achieved was people accusing me of witchcraft and a few requests for love portions.
    Here are classic cases of people who will probably never out ganger their googlegangers.
    4. All the Sarah Johnsons out there: 80 % chance. I know about five Sarah Johnsons and no right now it’s anybody’s game.
    3. University of Texas student, Sarah Palin: 50 % chance. This lady has age on her side, she’s about 22 and given time and the right moves, fame or infamy might be able propel her over her namesis (name + nemesis)
    2. American ornithologist, Caribbean bird expert and author, James Bond: .5% chance. In the words of Ian Fleming, “I wanted the simplest, dullest, plainest-sounding name I could think of. James Bond seemed perfect.” He found the name sitting on his bookshelf in the author of a book entitled “Bird’s Of The West Indies.” The best he can hope for is to be the correct answer on “Jeopardy”, “The weakest link” (is that still on) or “Who wants to a millionaire”. He passed away in 1989, so there is very little chance that he will ever out do his namesy. I mean cloning is an option, but in my book that makes whatever he achives the victory of the scientist who cloned him as well as his clone. #JustSaying. Besides 23 movies prove that even when you expect him to die, you can’t kill James Bond.
    1. Daughter named by fans Oprah Winfrey: Her chances would be better in an alternate dimension. Why? Because Oprah is the gift that keeps on giving, eliminate her and you still have Oprah Winfrey Street, the National Child Protection Act, aka the Oprah Bill, not to mention “Oprahfication”, a term coined by The Wall Street Journal meaning public confession as a form of therapy. Plus according to futurama, “Oprahism” will be a religion 3000 years.

OW

    Baby girl has a better chance becoming famous for something that does not require her name. Her options include having memeiable (meme + amiable) face like ridiculously photogenic guy or being that kid named hash tag. (Wait her folks named her Oprah Winfery, so that is out)

LOL

    You know that gene that prevents men from asking for directions, Nigerians have a similar gene that prevents us from asking questions when we do not understand something. That is why there are still people out there who do not know the meaning of LOL but make use of it. They are genetically unable to ask. This is for them!
    Here is a hint, It’s not another word for goodbye.
    Exhibit A

    Me:Okay talk to you later
    Naijaism: LOL

    Neither is it a substitute for “Hello”

    It is not a new swear word.
    Exhibit B

    Moi: I just backed your car into a police car…Again!
    9ja: LOL

    It is not a response for something good, bad or ugly, unless said thing is also funny.

    Exhibit C

    LOL means Laugh Out Loud. At least that’s what it used to mean, recent abuse has lead to evolution. Whatever the case there seems to be an epidemic of people who LOL. This should be a good thing after all “Laughter is the best medicine” but in reality all that laughter is virtual. In reality when most people “LOL,” what they are actually doing is smiling stupidly to themselves as they stare into a BB screen.

    Please don’t frustrate my Blackberry experience with your ignorance.
    As a rule I generally don’t LOL unless actual sound escapes my grasp in response to the words or pictures on my screen. I mean I have thought about faking an LOL before, but it’s that kind of fake ego boost that has driven many idiots, to the mistake conclusion that they are funny. Cut to them wearing out my BB batteries with stupid group messages. Yami don’t play that!

    Common LOL offenses punishable by deletion

    5. LOLLLLLLLLL (and every other variation including but not limited to LLLLLLLOOOOOOLLLLL, LOLs, LOLz, LOOoooL) we get it, that was one funny joke.

    4. People who LOL when they have nothing meaningful to contribute but cannot resist the urge to do so (I’m going biblical: Proverbs 17:28- Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.)

    3. People who LOL to deceive others into thinking that they are paying attention. Please respect yourself and have the guts to tell the other person that you don’t care.

    2. People who write out Laugh Out Loud (This is the opposite of the World War 1 problem, sure the abbreviation WW1 is easier to write, but it easier and quicker to say World War than to say WW. My point: laugh in reality and LOL in text)

    1. People who actually say LOL. Seriously? Is the laughter function on your body broken? No! Then use it.

    In closing If you get a LOL from me, there’s a huge possibility that what I actually mean is LACK OF LAUGHS!