LOL

    You know that gene that prevents men from asking for directions, Nigerians have a similar gene that prevents us from asking questions when we do not understand something. That is why there are still people out there who do not know the meaning of LOL but make use of it. They are genetically unable to ask. This is for them!
    Here is a hint, It’s not another word for goodbye.
    Exhibit A

    Me:Okay talk to you later
    Naijaism: LOL

    Neither is it a substitute for “Hello”

    It is not a new swear word.
    Exhibit B

    Moi: I just backed your car into a police car…Again!
    9ja: LOL

    It is not a response for something good, bad or ugly, unless said thing is also funny.

    Exhibit C

    LOL means Laugh Out Loud. At least that’s what it used to mean, recent abuse has lead to evolution. Whatever the case there seems to be an epidemic of people who LOL. This should be a good thing after all “Laughter is the best medicine” but in reality all that laughter is virtual. In reality when most people “LOL,” what they are actually doing is smiling stupidly to themselves as they stare into a BB screen.

    Please don’t frustrate my Blackberry experience with your ignorance.
    As a rule I generally don’t LOL unless actual sound escapes my grasp in response to the words or pictures on my screen. I mean I have thought about faking an LOL before, but it’s that kind of fake ego boost that has driven many idiots, to the mistake conclusion that they are funny. Cut to them wearing out my BB batteries with stupid group messages. Yami don’t play that!

    Common LOL offenses punishable by deletion

    5. LOLLLLLLLLL (and every other variation including but not limited to LLLLLLLOOOOOOLLLLL, LOLs, LOLz, LOOoooL) we get it, that was one funny joke.

    4. People who LOL when they have nothing meaningful to contribute but cannot resist the urge to do so (I’m going biblical: Proverbs 17:28- Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.)

    3. People who LOL to deceive others into thinking that they are paying attention. Please respect yourself and have the guts to tell the other person that you don’t care.

    2. People who write out Laugh Out Loud (This is the opposite of the World War 1 problem, sure the abbreviation WW1 is easier to write, but it easier and quicker to say World War than to say WW. My point: laugh in reality and LOL in text)

    1. People who actually say LOL. Seriously? Is the laughter function on your body broken? No! Then use it.

    In closing If you get a LOL from me, there’s a huge possibility that what I actually mean is LACK OF LAUGHS!
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Blackberry blues

    It’s been a while since I posted so I’ll try to make this quick. Everyone who knows me knows that I’ve got my heart set on the zombie apocalypse. However if I were a betting girl, my money would be on the robot apocalypse.

    Case in point. A couple of parents recently partitioned the board of their kids’ school to allow said kids to have blackberries (phone not fruit). The school had tried to ban the use of blackberries by primary school students on school grounds. For obvious reasons the school wanted to avoid the potential cheating and the all round distraction that the phones would cause. The parents claimed that their children would be unable to receive pings from their drivers at pickup time…#truestory!
    Is it just me or is the child factory pumping out dumber models? Let me just say that back in my day, we used a little something called eyes, topped with a little common sense. But hey, I guess it’s unreasonable to expect so much from primary school children who are capable of using BBs.
    I am not saying we have a national technology dependency. No, I am saying that when our robot overlords give us the option of new tech or oxygen, many will pick the tech. It is a well established fact that Nigerians operate on a frequency all our own. We will fight for the craziest little things. Yet we fail to realise that we have the right to something as simple and basic as electricity. Why is that? Why indeed.

    I got all existential and epiphanied while my blackberry slept with the fishes last month. Well mostly it was in a deep coma state for over a week. Somewhere between the shivers and the phantom phone dialing, I rebooted my actual brain and figured out how to use it…Again. I thought about how people got along before cell phones (that have caller ID, internet, GPS, aps, notepad, alarms, cameras, mp3 plays etc.) which it pains me to admit is totally in my lifetime. People need to realize that 1.) It is possible to get by and 2.) It isn’t all that difficult.
    I jotted down my musing, please learn them because the life you save may be yours.

    How to survive sans cell phone

    1.) Learn phone numbers [at least one] I didn’t know at least one person’s number by heart, which could have been a real problem if I was broke, lost and not among friends when my phone went awol.
    2.) Appointments can be written down on paper (Shocker I know)
    3.) Alarm clocks are just as good as cell phones and probably more effective at getting people up
    4.) Little notes can also be written on paper.

    All this paper might put a dent in our Nigerian policy to become a paperless society…Did you ask, ‘what policy?’… It’s only a matter of time before the government’s attempts at development take a turn for the coolness that is ‘Reduce, Reuse, Recycle’ #JustSaying.

    5.) This is absolutely important. Before the Grey’s-anatomy-season-finally-like events that lead to the Hail Mary resurrection of my phone (Which BTW was epic!). I trusted the first guy with a sign that says ‘blackberry repair’ and wasted precious hours on a fool. Needless to say he took me for a ride

    Not the good kind!

    He took me for my money

    “Your trackball was already broken when you brought it here”

    and he lost me my snitches

    I’m a journalist and snitches are my lifeblood. All my contacts gone.

    6.) Personally this experience taught me that BBs have extremely short battery lives and that TV cannot fill my BB void…maybe I should look into making human friends.
    If you have learnt anything from this post I suggest you backup your cell phones THIS INSTANT and occasional shutdown and rely on yourself. When the bots take over only the capable few will survive long enough to say… ALL HAIL OUR ROBOT OVERLORDS!