The real football heros.

football

    People of the world, my name is Yemi and I hate football. I know I know it is the international language that we are all supposed to speak. It’s the Coca-Cola of sports, recognized internationally. Much to the chagrin of American football whose delusions of global domination include a bowl with Super power but unfortunately even if soccer (which BTW everyone else calls football) did not exist there are still rugby, cricket and I dare to add basketball. I’m sorry, but it had to be said.
    Even though I fall into the category of people who just don’t get it, in less than 30 hours I will fall headfirst into world cup territory. The FIFA world cup is the Holy Grail of football excess (or so I’m told); luckily I have spent my whole life preparing for this.

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    Being born in Nigeria a few things are expected of you. i.e: An inability to join queues, a high tolerance of extremely spicy foods, an indifference to traffic regulations and a love for football. Telling people you don’t like football is like coming out of the closet. People respond with shock and act like they have been personally attacked.
    If your parent, sibling, bestie, boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse is a football lover, my heart goes out to you. Being a football hater I am well versed in the art of surviving football and 2010 will not be an exception.

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    Here is what you need to know:
    It is impossible (I repeat) IMPOSSIBLE to maintain a relationship through football season. It’s a catch 22. If his/her team is losing then he/she is in a foul mood and you pay. But if they continue to win then the need for your existence depreciates with each victory. Sorry to have to say this but in order to save your relationship I suggest you break up for duration of the world cup.
    Yes, yes, yes, you are allowed to love and groove to the theme music. In fact if you fall into the about-to-be-breakup-for-the-duration-of-the-world-cup category. I suggest you cut ties after the opening ceremony. Its always an entertaining opportunity to brush up on what countries have what flags. But do not get suckered into hanging around and playing fetch for people too engrossed in the game to walk to the fridge.
    Worth knowing is the fact that football season can also be a time of peace, reconciliation and negotiation. (This is not a trick for amateurs because it all comes down to timing). The best time to confess a past wrong is right after extreme victory. I’m talking grown men jumping on furniture and crying while hugging kind of victory. Nothing less will suffice. You don’t want to make your confession at the end of a game because then he/she will have time to come after you.
    Also pick the tensest moments of the game to renegotiate issues like your daily allowance, curfew or other sticky subject. Keep a tape recorder handy because he/she will try and deny the new terms later. This could backfire if your TV can be paused.
    Finally I strongly suggest that you cut all ties with bars and restaurants. If they have a TV, it WILL DEFINATLY be on football and service which as we all know is really bad in Nigeria will go ahead to break new ground in badness. Football fans tend to not care if it takes the entire 3 hours (does anybody really know how long a football game is?) of game time to get them their order.
    To my fellow Soccer Antifans: Good day and Godspeed.
    To everyone else: JUGA BONITO!

the cup