Top 10 election vexations

Nigeria is 50 and we are mere months away from the 2011 elections. In anticipation of the actual tedious voting itself here are ten things to look forward to.

1. Obama: He will appear on posters and be compared to candidates that he has never heard off. These people will also parade slogans about change that are variations of ‘yes we can’. (Note Obama can be substituted with Gandi, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Jesus…George Clooney*)

    2. Ankara: Because nothing says I’m going to vote for this guy, like his face all over my clothes. The campaign trail uniform of choice for all wannabe first ladies and their entourage. They will be well cut and highly fashionable except for the unseemly awkwardly placed face print. We will forgive them after we decide that the patterns are lovely and cut them out of ovation for our personal tailors to attempt recreation.

3. Jingles: Of the broken English variety. As we all know the lower classes vote based on the ads directed at them. Each ad will sing the praises of the candidates who are ‘for we people,’ ‘dey kam-pay,’ and ‘go save we country’. All accompanied by native drums, beads and shrieking. Be warned, you will find yourself singing along.

    4. Songs: Not to be mistaken for jingles, which are shorter and catchier. With all the political tension in the air, up and coming artists will try and cash in on the power of song, to bring about change and skyrocket themselves into stardom. (it’s the equivalent of singing a football song that becomes the world cup anthem)

5. Rallies: aka parties for political parties. A huge turnout is guaranteed every time because Nigerians love free food. Mo gbo, Mo ya”

    6. TV specials: Candidates will dust off their one achievement and put it on display. That school they built 20 years ago or that hospital they refurbished (under duress) as governor 5 years ago, that lone road that happens to reach their village (with a complimentary street named after them) and don’t forget that orphanage with the fat, grateful, chatty warden and the mute anorexic children. Whatever the case people must know. For those on the fence they will be won over by molesting I mean the token kissing of babies.

7. Endless debates: Not about the issues but about the likelihood of free and fair elections.

    8. Green, white and dare I say more green. Everything will be draped in patriotic green and white, all in the most random locations, on the most pointless things (yes I’m referring to the sea horse that appeared in the middle of Lagos during carnival)

9. Smear campaigns and bogus boasts, disguised as politics. I believe in divine ordinance, but it is not viable political argument.

    10. Light: (Gotcha) I regret to predict the usual lack of light.

*for sexiness


Suicidal traffic jamz

The Open Road

5 secs b4 hitting major traffic

    I know that the moon has historically been linked to madness, but from personal experience the sun and a little Nigerian daytime radio can be equally maddening. Nothing to scary, just an almost uncontrollable urge to ram the nearest car and forever end the possibility of our hearing trash. It’s an act of kindness.
    I can’t really dispute many of the song choices on Naija radio today, after years of Chichi of Africa [God rest her career…PLEASE] quality has gone way up. Unfortunately, 90% of the radio personalities remain seriously lacking in the charisma, talent and originality arena. I personally doubt the accents of anyone who isn’t Dan Foster and at this point his accent should be a little watered down (Can I get a witness). Also if I hear the phase, “It’s your boy, DJ blah, blah, blah” one more time I might just, declare it open road rage season. You need to earn the privilege of being called my boy, you no talent, faceless time waster, shut up and play us a song. The only thing more annoying than this is when they cut up a good song to deliver stupid snip bits like, “it is now 14 past the hour,” or “that was Jimmy Jatt” duh he said his name like eight times during the song, is it so hard to turn the song down a little and talk over it? And in the same way stupidity begets stupidity, fake accents has opened the door to a whole new collection of fake accents. Where does it say that ‘must have foreign accent to call in’, Huh?
Road Rag4

The view

    Thinking of the radio news is unpleasant, In reality listening to it is down right painful. It’s a lot of action music followed by someone talking really slow as if the audience is retarded and has ADD. They reel us in with the news theme song but because we are retarded the news is kept slow and short. Like this (think slow fake americanish/englishish accent) ACTION MUSIC “The Ni g e r ia n gov er n ment has an nounced no sc h o o l tom or row” ACTION MUSIC “t h is is be ca u se the y want u s hap p y, s o t h at th ey ca n s t e a l o ur mo n ey…” ACTION MUSIC” chi l d re n le ar n not thing in sc h o o l…” ACTION MUSIC “be ca us e t hey are bus y sell ing g oods on t he st re et…” ACTION MUSIC. I just can’t take them seriously.
    Then we come to the ads, which are proof that not even a fleeting thought is wasted on sales. Their negligence would give Don Draper and the entire Sterling Cooper staff a synchronized heart-attack. It’s advertising at its most basic form, jingles (not to knock jingles). Since the introduction of jingles to Nigerian ad men, it has become the standard. Forget tiresome statistics and research into what people want to hear, lets sing about our products. Lets make grand inexplicable statements like “the very best,” or “trusted by the world” and “the number one,” without any supporting evidence. Worst still I believe non-jingle ads are done in one take. Editing, what editing? They serve as a reminder to the public of the higher quality of jingles.

Road rage 2

Still in Traffic

Road Rage3

Losing it now

    Look, radio remains constant after the invention of TV and the Internet because it is beloved. That’s why it perplexes me why certain “musicians” continue to abuse it. For goodness sake do the honorable thing like Banky W and write your own lyrics if you must borrow a beat. Yes Alaye, I’m talking to you. First of all respect the music, then find a girl you actually have a chance of meeting in this lifetime and pay her to sing the chorus to ‘Lagos State of Mind’(rip of Jay Z’sEmpire state of mind). Wait Alaye, are you even from Lagos? Let the song make sense, Seriously, “These streets will make you feel brand new, bright lights will inspire you” …really…REALLY? What streets, you mean those dark patches that surround the huge holes on the road, is that what your calling streets. Of cause the streets make you feel brand new they are as old as Moses and the What Lights? Somebody tell me cause I need the inspiration to not kick Alaye’s ass. That’s all I’m saying.