Top 10 election vexations

Nigeria is 50 and we are mere months away from the 2011 elections. In anticipation of the actual tedious voting itself here are ten things to look forward to.

1. Obama: He will appear on posters and be compared to candidates that he has never heard off. These people will also parade slogans about change that are variations of ‘yes we can’. (Note Obama can be substituted with Gandi, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Jesus…George Clooney*)

    2. Ankara: Because nothing says I’m going to vote for this guy, like his face all over my clothes. The campaign trail uniform of choice for all wannabe first ladies and their entourage. They will be well cut and highly fashionable except for the unseemly awkwardly placed face print. We will forgive them after we decide that the patterns are lovely and cut them out of ovation for our personal tailors to attempt recreation.

3. Jingles: Of the broken English variety. As we all know the lower classes vote based on the ads directed at them. Each ad will sing the praises of the candidates who are ‘for we people,’ ‘dey kam-pay,’ and ‘go save we country’. All accompanied by native drums, beads and shrieking. Be warned, you will find yourself singing along.

    4. Songs: Not to be mistaken for jingles, which are shorter and catchier. With all the political tension in the air, up and coming artists will try and cash in on the power of song, to bring about change and skyrocket themselves into stardom. (it’s the equivalent of singing a football song that becomes the world cup anthem)

5. Rallies: aka parties for political parties. A huge turnout is guaranteed every time because Nigerians love free food. Mo gbo, Mo ya”

    6. TV specials: Candidates will dust off their one achievement and put it on display. That school they built 20 years ago or that hospital they refurbished (under duress) as governor 5 years ago, that lone road that happens to reach their village (with a complimentary street named after them) and don’t forget that orphanage with the fat, grateful, chatty warden and the mute anorexic children. Whatever the case people must know. For those on the fence they will be won over by molesting I mean the token kissing of babies.

7. Endless debates: Not about the issues but about the likelihood of free and fair elections.

    8. Green, white and dare I say more green. Everything will be draped in patriotic green and white, all in the most random locations, on the most pointless things (yes I’m referring to the sea horse that appeared in the middle of Lagos during carnival)

9. Smear campaigns and bogus boasts, disguised as politics. I believe in divine ordinance, but it is not viable political argument.

    10. Light: (Gotcha) I regret to predict the usual lack of light.

*for sexiness


Tweet for better light!

    For those of you who don't know my stand on twitter here it is: it's stupid! it's the new facebook, like facebook was the new myspace/Hi5. Only now its better suited to the short attention span of basically anyone outthere capable of stringing words. Right here I am using the word 'words' lightly because I'm not at all sure if 'B4, thnx, 10Q, L8r' etc R [hehe] actually words.

    It therefore bothers me to announce that I will soon become a twit start to tweet. As all sell-outs my defense remains: it is for a good cause, because what greater cause is there than bringing efficient light to the Nigerian masses.

    The most positive comeback I have received so far was from my dad, he said, “get ready to commit to this for the rest of your life.” My dad is in no way a pessimist. No sadly, he is too familiar with the disappointment that comes with waiting for Nigeria to get off her ‘sleeping giant’ butt and show some moxie.

    The rest of Africa will not look up to Nigeria unless something worthwhile happens. So what if we have some very rich men, so what if we happen to police a good chunk of Africa. Add all that to our reputation for fraud and all you get is a good deal of people who are weary or downright afraid of Nigeria.

    Nigerians need to stop trying to one up each other and instead cater to the country’s real needs, like better roads and education to mention a few. I propose we begin with light.

    Think about it, at some level in any field of occupation in Nigeria, some level of electricity is required. To power the most simple, to the most complete machines. Billions in Naira, not to mention time are wasted in the pursuit of something that should not require more effort than a simple paying of a PHCN bill. And a reserve of diesel for weather related blackouts. This cost is acceptable, according to certain companies and their aids in government. Said people just happen to make their money through the importation and sales of generators and generator paraphernalia. That’s the current conspiracy, however I personally see no connection(cough).
    No imagine conducting a workday without the added burden of fuel and generator pursuit and costs. We can always wait for government to find a solution or we can brainstorm ideas and effect a change.
    This is why I tweet. CNN and sometimes Sky news occasionally do stories on the most tweeted subjects, you know the lil crazy stuff people are doing. I personally don’t mind, trying to shame the government into action approach. Something about how Nigeria has the money, technology and capability to no longer live in darkness. Maybe then we will see the light.
    To get more information or simply to exchange ideas check:
  • The facebook group Light up Nigeria
  • Pastor Sam Adeyemi of Daystar Church is organizing a Walk for Light. The law [what law] requires all electricity produced by a state to be uploaded to the national grid when it surpasses a certain amount. What Pastor Adeyemi proposes is for the government to allow states to produce their own electricity by using their natural resources. Whatever is most prevalent in each area i.e. where there is wind, build wind turbines, and water, build a dam and coal, I guess coal powered electricity [belated disclaimer: I am a blogger, not a scientist] but you get the point, maybe we can finally use our gas. I personally would favor an idea of producing electricity for Lagos through the slave labor of okada drivers, indentured because of the accidents they have caused. Those who cannot produce power can buy from their neighboring states. I feel that mainly on a competitive level, if one state does well, the others will step their game up. For this to happen the law must be changed.