Kicking my own arse

    Do you have a googleganger? Similar to a doppleganger, a googleganger is another individual who has the same name as you and as a result their records and/or internet history, pictures and stories always come up, mixed in with yours whenever you Google yourself.
    Aside from receiving absolute proof that someone in this world is walking around answering to your same, there is also the possibility that (GASP!) said other you has a more awesome life than you you.

inconceivable

    There are a few things that can get you into this predicament
    1. When your parent/grandparent is your ganger. If you go by ‘Junior’ or ‘The Third,’ Google is probably not your biggest problem. I suggest you muddy the lines between you and your forbearer, especially if you look exactly like them. The Google machine will then meld you into one person. If that fails claim reincarnation. So their achievements are your achievements from a former life. Own it and hone your argument because people will try and punch holes into this sieve of an argument.
    2. Coincidence… I think not, but have no proof to the contrary.
    3. When you are named after them, things can go, one of two ways. If it is a kindly aunt who can barely use her pure water phone, Awesome! Continue to kick her Google butt. As long as she goes on to do unremarkable newsworthy things, like not inspiring an award winning book that gets turned into movie with a spinoff TV series, thus causing her to tour the world giving inspirational speeches, then you are safe. However if you are named after a celebrity, who shares your family last name, you are screwed. The only day you will top them in a google search would be on the one occasion when you are convicted of murdering your famous namesake.
    A middle name helps provided you don’t also share your middle name and are hopefully not a three named serial killer.
    Let me just take this time out for a Public Servie Announcement. My fellow country men and women, when you introduce yourself, please do not say “my names are,” because although your names are many (I have four names, five nicknames, an oriki and an oriki song. . . I’m not entirely sure what the song is about), regardless, the combination of names is singular and hopefully unique to you. The correct introduction is, “My name is…” and to the next dumb wiseass who invariably tries to tell me how wrong I am, know this:
    1. I’m never wrong.
    2. Whenever you introduce yourself by saying “my names are” I proceed to disregard what any of the yous speaking is saying.
    3. At the end of the day, it does not matter who your googleganger is, all that matters is that when they Google themselves they are completely assaulted by the awesomeness that is you.
    To further explain my point about the uniqueness of names, I once tried to reference how in magic, things have true names like in the Dresden files, but the only thing that achieved was people accusing me of witchcraft and a few requests for love portions.
    Here are classic cases of people who will probably never out ganger their googlegangers.
    4. All the Sarah Johnsons out there: 80 % chance. I know about five Sarah Johnsons and no right now it’s anybody’s game.
    3. University of Texas student, Sarah Palin: 50 % chance. This lady has age on her side, she’s about 22 and given time and the right moves, fame or infamy might be able propel her over her namesis (name + nemesis)
    2. American ornithologist, Caribbean bird expert and author, James Bond: .5% chance. In the words of Ian Fleming, “I wanted the simplest, dullest, plainest-sounding name I could think of. James Bond seemed perfect.” He found the name sitting on his bookshelf in the author of a book entitled “Bird’s Of The West Indies.” The best he can hope for is to be the correct answer on “Jeopardy”, “The weakest link” (is that still on) or “Who wants to a millionaire”. He passed away in 1989, so there is very little chance that he will ever out do his namesy. I mean cloning is an option, but in my book that makes whatever he achives the victory of the scientist who cloned him as well as his clone. #JustSaying. Besides 23 movies prove that even when you expect him to die, you can’t kill James Bond.
    1. Daughter named by fans Oprah Winfrey: Her chances would be better in an alternate dimension. Why? Because Oprah is the gift that keeps on giving, eliminate her and you still have Oprah Winfrey Street, the National Child Protection Act, aka the Oprah Bill, not to mention “Oprahfication”, a term coined by The Wall Street Journal meaning public confession as a form of therapy. Plus according to futurama, “Oprahism” will be a religion 3000 years.

OW

    Baby girl has a better chance becoming famous for something that does not require her name. Her options include having memeiable (meme + amiable) face like ridiculously photogenic guy or being that kid named hash tag. (Wait her folks named her Oprah Winfery, so that is out)

Aero dysfunction

    No more apologies, I’d like to say that I was very busy, or that I broke my typing arm(…ehm..fingers) but the truth is far more typical. My name is Yami and I suck at time management. I’ve sometimes have brilliant blog post ideas, but my powers of procrastination keep them from being written We can only hope and pray that I change.


    Now unto the tragedy that is my life experience. May it amuse and guide you. Show of hands, who here has flown aero contractors? If your hand is up, then I’m willing to bet that you have at least the very least sworn at them, at the most sworn off them or if you are like me done both only to find yourself inline to board yet another aero flight.
    Their list of crimes are extensive, in my personal experience:
    1. They have faked flights: Here’s the con, when two consecutive flights are not full, the powers that be cancel the first one and merge it with the consecutive flight. Thus causing a huge delay for the people who paid for the earlier flight and dooming anyone who planned to seek into work in the nick of time. By advertising the availability of more flights, they sucker more people into buying their tickets. If you must be aerodynamic take the first flight of the day which is the least likely to be delayed or better yet walk.
    2. They are constantly late: If you asked a room of frequent flyers to raise their hands if they had ever been on time with aero, I’m pretty sure they would find other uses for the hands.
    3. They duct tape seats: No offence to the makers of such an outstanding product as duct tape, But when I walk unto a plane, I do not want to see chairs held together by duct tape, unless it was part of the original seat design. All I’m thinking after I see that is, “if they don’t know how to replace a chair, what else?”
    4. They charged me directly for airport charges, I mean who does that? NOBODY, THAT’S WHO!
    5. They gave me food poisoning: In my ignorant youth (Last year) I was frivolous, I actually bought airplane food. Not only did I waste my money, I also proceeded to waste the next two days in the hospital. Everyone thinks food poisoning is glamorous vomiting with a hot male nurse holding back your braids (yak) These rumors are all true… that is if you survive the excruciating pain, lack of glamour and the fact that the hawt male nurse is actually a masculine matron with a moustache.
    6. They kicked a woman off the plane for being fat, they said she looked pregnant which she didn’t. While I respect their decision to follow policy, I thought that it was in very bad taste to let her board before making accusations. They proceeded to argue with her for up to 30 minutes, then when she deplaned (It’s a real word) they spent another half hour rummaging for her luggage.
    7. Did I mention that they are sexist: In their defense, I’ve experienced some level of sexism on almost every Nigerian flight I’ve ever flown in It ranges from allowing men have overweight carryons, to attending to the needs of males before females. Anyway, the last time I dropped my sister off; aero attempted to make an otherwise painful experience into a figurative kick in the face.
    Her flight was cancelled without notice, the next flight was in four hours (minimum of eight hours in aero time) They wanted to put her on the 7pm flight of the following day. Naturally she decided to get a refund in order try her luck with another airlines but aero personnel managed to turn that into a frustrating two hour production. Now the argument can be made that my sister and I are short and therefore easily over looked but the truth lies less with our height (we are not that short) and more with our gender. Scores of men cut the line in order to get their refunds or buy tickets and our attempt to complain or copy these men was met with almost aggressive disdain and verbal rebuke.
    Did I mention she was a woman, why does it feel worse when the sexist is female? Shouldn’t we be on the same side? Nigeria’s sexist propaganda is so diehard and so effectively administered in childhood that most people are unaware of them. But that’s a blog post for another day.
    Anyway, as I write this, I am planning another trip and yes aero will be considered. What can I say; they are often the only flight within my price range. I hate and love them for that.

Kajola : friendship killer

A movie review of sorts.

    When I moved to Abuja last year, I knew few people and so in the name of making friends I took a chance on an acquaintance and I have been too traumatized since then to tell the story that lead to the question. Is Nollywood* reason enough to end a friendship?

    Hell to the YES! Anyone who takes you to see a Nigerian film this bad is not a friend but a fiend. End of story. This “movie” and I use the word lightly claimed to be the next step in Nigerian innovation. Some unholy being dared to use the words “Nigerian Inception” (………………………………………………………………………………….that is the sound of millions of gag reflexes failing)
    A step back is still a step, this was more like a big old, rocket-fueled powered leap backwards. Some have called Kajola trailblazing, as a result I’m now convinced that trailblazing refers to setting yourself on fire and running away. I dare anyone who survived the screening of this movie to disagree. This Nigerian 130 million Naira CGI film has managed to set the standard for #epicfails everywhere.
    The movie was based in the worse case scenario of Nigeria’s future, populated by idiots and graphics so bad they must have been generated by the future PHCN (This kind of failure is their legacy). The heros carried light-sabers that lacked the decency to light up or make a sound… basically they were duct tapesabers and were used in an epic battle of who looked dumber. This movie also gave birth to quiet possibly the biggest plot hole in the history of plot holes. I sometimes think I fell asleep and the resulting nightmare is my memory of Kajola (Sadly for the producers of this hot mess, my dream and nightmare graphics have been known to kick ass and astound everyone within a ten mile radius. This did not happen therefore, it was not off my own concoction.
    Asking for my time back is too little, I want interest! Interest for the time spent planning to go to the movie, as well as the phone credit used, the taxi fare and definitely the time spent watching the movie and a little something something for my pain and suffering, not to mention my current blogging efforts. The best solution would be to get the doctor to take me back in the TARDIS to undo this but good luck finding him and convincing him to cross established time lines.
    In closing, You know who you are and if you haven’t guessed it, this is a termination of our friendship…wishing you the best, Hugs and Kisses, But remember to stay the heck away from me.
    Also worth hating are the sponsors of this travesty, I hope you are all ashamed of yourselves.