Kajola : friendship killer

A movie review of sorts.

    When I moved to Abuja last year, I knew few people and so in the name of making friends I took a chance on an acquaintance and I have been too traumatized since then to tell the story that lead to the question. Is Nollywood* reason enough to end a friendship?

    Hell to the YES! Anyone who takes you to see a Nigerian film this bad is not a friend but a fiend. End of story. This “movie” and I use the word lightly claimed to be the next step in Nigerian innovation. Some unholy being dared to use the words “Nigerian Inception” (………………………………………………………………………………….that is the sound of millions of gag reflexes failing)
    A step back is still a step, this was more like a big old, rocket-fueled powered leap backwards. Some have called Kajola trailblazing, as a result I’m now convinced that trailblazing refers to setting yourself on fire and running away. I dare anyone who survived the screening of this movie to disagree. This Nigerian 130 million Naira CGI film has managed to set the standard for #epicfails everywhere.
    The movie was based in the worse case scenario of Nigeria’s future, populated by idiots and graphics so bad they must have been generated by the future PHCN (This kind of failure is their legacy). The heros carried light-sabers that lacked the decency to light up or make a sound… basically they were duct tapesabers and were used in an epic battle of who looked dumber. This movie also gave birth to quiet possibly the biggest plot hole in the history of plot holes. I sometimes think I fell asleep and the resulting nightmare is my memory of Kajola (Sadly for the producers of this hot mess, my dream and nightmare graphics have been known to kick ass and astound everyone within a ten mile radius. This did not happen therefore, it was not off my own concoction.
    Asking for my time back is too little, I want interest! Interest for the time spent planning to go to the movie, as well as the phone credit used, the taxi fare and definitely the time spent watching the movie and a little something something for my pain and suffering, not to mention my current blogging efforts. The best solution would be to get the doctor to take me back in the TARDIS to undo this but good luck finding him and convincing him to cross established time lines.
    In closing, You know who you are and if you haven’t guessed it, this is a termination of our friendship…wishing you the best, Hugs and Kisses, But remember to stay the heck away from me.
    Also worth hating are the sponsors of this travesty, I hope you are all ashamed of yourselves.


Nigeria, waiting on the God solution

    I could bore you and deaden my brain cells by reciting the monotonous storyline found from movie to movie to movie in Nollywood. Start watching a movie and provided it is a Nolleywood production you can very easily within seconds deduce the plot line, the twist (a word I grudgingly use) and of cause predict the movie’s outcome. If you’re at a lost for what I mean then you’re their target audience. Out of the goodness of my heart here is a hint of what to expect, right before the credits role you get an eyeful of Thanks be to God. Who five minutes before came through with a miraculous breakthrough. If art imitates life, then the moral sold by Nollywood is that God, will come through for you… eventually, sometime right before the very end!

    Even with tragedies Nigerians must have their happy ending. So the previously thwarted couple wind up together, while the wicked get punished. All this in the 5 minutes buildup to the third sequel’s end

    Sorry to make this my pulpit but does Nollywood know who God is. Nolly lacks the creativity and believability. Their miracles are all the same and therefore a trivial part to their formula. You suffer, you pray and pray, and pray and then a coincidental answer. Any god worth his salt, even the lesser sangos, oguns, oyas, osuns would not withhold a solution to the good and trade in prayers. By nature God is mysterious, “His ways are not our ways,” so why the heck would he do something as obvious to answer your prayer, when he has been ignoring you all along. If he wants to make a point, I bet he is a lot smoother than causing a guilty conscience confession or giving an inexplicable cure. We are talking about the dude who allowed Joseph to be taken into slavery in anticipation for a famine decades later.
    I appreciate that Nollywood has created a livelihood for thousands of Nigeria. But there is a difference between making money to get by and reinvesting thousands in the creation of further garbage. Come on, Nollywood is a billion dollar industry and they can’t put together one Cannes worthy movie each year? Really? Nigeria is the birthplace of Wole Soyinka, Chinu Achebe & that Purple Hibiscus chick. My point being that this country is not devoid of true writing talent. Our scripts suck because our writers suck period.

    Here is a thought FIRE all writers and hire real talent, don’t just rely on a good storyline, makes sure that the one on one conversations are true to life and for god sake when you give him credit, make it be of something he would do. When next I watch a miracle I want it to be so unbelievable that only God could have done it.