The anarchists guide to Naija weddings

    A.k.a: The Dos , Don’ts and dare to be different guide

    Dos
    1. Go to the church, it’s always incredible how an empty church translates into an overflowing hall.
    2. There is no shame in catching the bouquet (even if you are a married guy*)
    3. Dance… Shamelessly (and with old people and little children)
    4. Worth friending (read ‘bribing’)are the people serving drinks and food, it’s your fast track to all the good stuff.
    5. Bring your own camera (up this by doing number 15)
    6. Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself… but on your own terms! I suggest violently contrasting with the Dress code.(When in doubt refer to number 13)
      Don’t

    7. Don’t be stupid, even if you are an anarchist arrive on time and get a good seat at the reception. Bad seats can make or break an event! FACT.
    8. Don’t follow other Wedding crashers anywhere: While it worked out in a cute and amusing way for Rachael McAdams, the majority of you will turn out to be the girls in the beginning sequence of the movie, so use your sense.
    9. It’s not about you…IT IS NEVER ABOUT YOU, so back off the bride and stop trying to make her remember your name.
    10. Do not leave your stuff unsupervised, some wedding crashers are pickpockets (Yes, even in church)

      Dare to be different

    11. Spray people with monopoly money and make them work for it!
    12. Take something edible when you sneak up to see the bride and groom on their altar of awkwardness. People forget that they aren’t cake ornaments
    13. You do not have to buy the aso ebi**, especially if you fall into the category of people who have just left college and whose friends all seem to be getting married (ask yourself, “do I really need another blue woodin?”) this is especially true if you are broke and not in the wedding party.

    14. Bring your own ice. Nigeria is Hot!
    15. Take outrageous pictures for facebook and twitter posterity.
    16. Take only one thing that you intend to use from the souvenir package. I doubt you really need a new tray/food flask/picture frame/mug…. let the vultures squabble over the rest or refer to number 18.
    17. Make friends with the people who sit at your table, even if you clearly told them that the seat was reserved.
    18. Divide table into platoons and send them out on missions to score things*** wager leftover souvenirs (winning platoon takes all)

    *say it’s for your wife who you’d gladly marry again! Then die from embarrassment for being so cheesy.
    **traditional material sold by the wedding party to guest for uniformity (it also helps identify crashers because those do not wear it tend to stay within the color scheme)
    ***drinks from other tables, the microphone (losing platoon must make speech), bouquet from bride b4 the toss, figurines from the cake, extra points if they can be repositioned e.t.c.

5 points if taken be4 the toss, only one point if taken after

Advertisements

Where are all the Heroes?

    (or to my chagrin the legendaries: At the end of his ‘Originality’ video, Nigerian musician Faze actually dedicates the song to all the legendaries)

      Gani aka Chief Ganiyu Oyesola died this year (Saturday Sept. 5th 2009 to be exact. He was 71 and one hell of a guy, if all the stories are to be believed. He fought long and hard for justice in Nigeria. Even those who opposed him respected this about him. IBB is quoted for claiming that had Gani been the president of Nigeria, he would have even prosecuted himself in the pursuit of truth. He was just that kind of person. A true Nigerian patriot, if not the last one.
      At his death I struggled with my indifference and lack of genuine sadness to match what seemed to sweep the nation. In my defense I knew him as little more than Dele Giwa’s lawyer, our very own Johnnie Cochran. Seasoned newspaper readers and news broadcast watchers may claim that he was a prominent fixture of the media but I and I’m sorry to say a good number of Nigerians particularly those my age don’t put much stock in a media that is riddled with typographical errors, a lot of questionable and often one sided data which is passed of as news.
      I know blah, blah, blah …there’s nothing new about this news. Newspapers are in the business of politics, owned by people who print their views to foster their ends. While any vehicle of truth remains underfunded and often under treat. In the event that the truth comes to light nothing is done about it. i.e. the custom officer with alleged faked qualification who remains in office.
      As the happiest people in the world, Nigerians are living proof that ignorance is indeed bliss. We have little patience for anything beyond moneymaking schemes and extravagant parties to show of wealth.
      I have been told that we are not a culture of reading or apparently of seeking an honest if minimalist living which we should at this point be capable of. No one seems to write anything worthwhile, outside the realm of fiction [which has recently seen a revitalization with the likes of ½ of a yellow sun, in the footsteps Wole Soyinka works] we are drowning in a sea of self help/get rich books written explicitly by people who want to help themselves to their readers money. Nigerians doesn’t read because no one writes with the intentions of putting down words that can outliving them.
      I realize that the Nigerian move from colonialism to independence was bore on the back of heroes, whose names can be recited by every primary educated kid and every Faze loving fan of his smash hit originality. We all know their names and stories from our classic history books. Stories that mainly scratch the surface while ignoring the skirt chasing, drinking and ethnic intolerant tendencies of Nigeria’s fondest idols. Show of hands anyone who knew that Awolowo was Anti-Igbo (I mean Anti in a Hitler refusing to shake the hands of black athletes at the Olympics kind of way). Once again I fear our Nigerian tendency to ignore history.
      But seriously we need these and other people to aspire towards, but in a realistic way. Don’t get me started on how underfunded our museums and teachers are. My point is that while Gani was waiting to be buried prostitutes were giving it up for free in his honor. This was a man who tried to stop prostitution, what does that say about some Nigerian thinking and who is to blame?